Real Talk. Real Hope. Reflections from a Real Mom.
Whether you spend your New Year’s Eve celebrating with your closest loved ones, partaking in different cultural traditions, or cozying up in bed by 9, you’re probably going to spend some time reflecting on the year you just experienced. For myself, I not only reflected on 2022, but the years prior, in which our resiliency was tested by a worldwide illness. It’s hard to believe another year has come and gone, and here we are, almost three years after the onset of the pandemic. I still find myself processing 2020 at times, but here we are, just a few days into 2023.
This first blog for the year is a bit different than previous posts, but it’s written from my heart, and more as a mom – or perhaps, more as a human – than written as a prenatal and perinatal therapist. In case no one has mentioned it by now, therapists don’t have it together all the time either, and many of us are also doing our own work to heal and recover and get better. I don’t have any profound advice or wisdom to share at this point, and I’m not going to tell you to make your resolutions (see what I have to say about that from a previous blog here!); but if I can leave you with anything for this upcoming year, it’s to be unapologetically real.
I became a parent in 2020 literally at the onset of Covid. Everything that I had planned for my postpartum adjustment immediately went out the window. When I had to transfer from the birth center to the hospital, and our dear midwife and doula had to leave us outside of Labor & Delivery because they weren’t allowed to enter, I knew at that moment so many things would be different. Not to mention my heavily desired water birth wasn’t going to happen! I’m not going to go into my birth story here, because in full honesty, I’m still processing that some too; but I share this initial information surrounding my son’s birth in 2020 to set the stage for why it’s important to be REAL.
This past year – 2022 – was the year I started talking about my struggles with postpartum mental health. I had a wonderful postpartum therapist that helped me tremendously in the months after I had my son. However, not every conversation felt as safe and comforting as speaking to my own therapist. I remember when I disclosed in front of some healthcare professionals that I suffered excruciatingly from postpartum depression, postpartum anxiety, and postpartum rage. One of them dropped their gaze, looked around at the floor and shuffled their feet, then went back to work on their computer like I hadn’t said anything. The other one said “Really?!” like they were genuinely surprised at my admission.
In that moment, I felt the need to be real perhaps more strongly than ever before. If we can’t talk about our mental health struggles in front of our providers, then it means we have a lot of work to do. And by real, I don’t mean rude…I mean informative. Vulnerable. Unashamed. If motherhood hit you like a truck like it did me, let’s talk about it. Let’s find some meaning from that experience. If motherhood has been relatively easy for you, let’s talk about that too. There’s value in both types of experiences, but…
Through my work, and in my own journey in becoming a mother, I’ve learned there is so much stigma when we talk about the hard parts. Much like my statement about my postpartum mental health struggles made the providers uncomfortable, we are doing ourselves and society a disservice if we stay silent and don’t share the hard parts. Until we start the difficult conversations, we won’t know who around us is also struggling; the National Library of Medicine reports “PPD occurs in about 6.5% to 20% of women.”* Because of the women who spoke up about postpartum depression (PPD) in the past, OBGYN’s across the nation began utilizing screenings and follow-up visits for new mothers. Yet, these screenings were not regularly incorporated into doctors’ offices in the U.S. until the mid to late 90’s. With universal screening still severely lacking for perinatal mood and anxiety disorders (and in many cases, no context for screening is provided when administered, so parents are afraid to be honest in their responses if they are struggling), we need to talk about it now more than ever.
So, over the last year, I’ve continued serving parents struggling with postpartum mood and anxiety disorders, but I have shifted my focus to also include education and support for those who are pregnant. Perinatal therapy will always hold a significant place in my heart as I’ve personally seen the difference when someone is educated and prepared for what might happen, mentally and emotionally, following the birth of their baby/babies. In 2023, that education and support will continue in sessions, but also through a series of courses I am writing that will be available online (stay tuned!) and parents can download and utilize the information as needed. I will also continue initiating conversations with obstetrical providers, birth workers, birth and postpartum doulas, and anyone in our communities who will listen about the importance of being real in our conversations surrounding prenatal and perinatal mental health.
You might be asking – Why be real? Why should we talk about this if it’s met with uncomfortable looks and perhaps no response?
Because real talk leads to real hope.
It wasn’t until I started talking more about my postpartum experiences that I realized I wasn’t alone, and so much of what I experienced suddenly made sense. In a world where postpartum mental health remains heavily stigmatized, knowing that someone else shares similar experiences can be so healing. Dr. Milton Erickson, a psychiatrist from the early 20th century, strongly believed in the power of hope when it comes to healing. He turned the medical model of psychiatry upside down because he believed in the power of the patient’s mind and body for healing. Ultimately, when we are hopeful, that translates to feeling better and getting better even if all our problems aren’t solved.
Now, before you call me out, let me say I’m not writing a message of toxic positivity. I’m not saying that if you are simply hopeful or think hopeful thoughts that you’re going to automatically get better. What I am saying is that through talking about our shared experiences around similar needs, we learn we are not alone…that nothing is ‘wrong’ with us…and that hope for healing is possible. We learn how important it is to share our experiences, especially as a mother, because those feelings aren’t just your own anymore.
Real talk and real hope take the shame away and creates a space where we can be vulnerable in speaking truth about our experiences. The conversation surrounding postpartum mental health, specifically postpartum depression, still feels like a difficult conversation for most because so much stigma still exists, and many parents aren’t comfortable talking about their struggles. If 2022 taught me anything, it’s that we need more spaces and opportunities to talk about various aspects of hope, healing, and recovery from perinatal mood and anxiety disorders. And this type of hope and healing doesn’t happen in silence or in isolation. If this resonated with you at all, and you’d like to continue the conversation in 2023, please send me an email: droliviaw@oliviawedelcounseling.com. Let’s talk about it!