The New Mom Holiday Survival Guide – How Setting Boundaries is a Gift

Setting boundaries in your relationships (familial, friendly, or even coworkers) can be difficult to practice for anyone, especially for new moms who have already become accustomed to putting someone else’s needs above their own. This year, give yourself the gift of learning how to put yourself first. You can’t pour from an empty cup!

There’s nothing like turning the calendar to December to cause our mama hearts to squeeze with a mix of emotions. I think about this time of year with special consideration for new mothers as the holiday season can resemble a crash course, of sort. Figuring everything out, getting where you need to be, and sometimes, admitting that the thought of going anywhere feels too overwhelming. Not to mention the past holiday traditions you’d wish to relieve, and the new ones you’re dreaming of experiencing as a first time family.

This isn’t to say that all new moms experience dread and anxiety when it comes to getting out and about for the holidays, but with my work in perinatal mental health, I often hear about how just the thoughts of getting everyone ready and taking an infant around a crowd of family and friends can lead to a lot of unwanted stress. 

The stress has been further complicated by the pandemic over the last few years, as well as current trends in sickness and pediatric hospitals being full with no rooms available. Before you feel guilty about not letting that great-aunt of yours hold your baby and kiss them on both cheeks, take a minute to remind yourself that boundaries around holding and kissing are yours – you do not owe any explanations. 

So…while not everyone feels this way around the holidays, I’m writing this for the new mama who feels that overwhelming (and likely unspoken) sense of dread and/or anxiety at the thoughts of having to get ready and do all the things and be all the things and go all the places. I see you, Mama. I see how thin you’ve spread yourself. I recognize that look in your eyes that maybe no one else notices, or perhaps they chalk it up to ‘new mom worry’ and tell you that you’d get over it. How do you balance what you want, what you need, and what you hope for around the demands of the holiday season? Let’s talk about it!

Moms are in the middle here – in a good way - because you have needs, wants, and hopes, and all three are equally as valid. All three are important and don’t need an explanation. However, I encourage you to think about these three things yourself and perhaps make a list or type out a note on your phone: With the holidays just around the corner: 1) What do you need? 2) What do you want? 3) What do you hope for?

Yes! Notice I said YOU, mama! This is your opportunity to focus entirely on yourself - with a peaceful mind knowing your baby will still experience a magical holiday season! If you’ve committed to a Christmas dinner with extended family, apply this little diagram to help you come up with a plan of action before you get there! If it’s a company dinner with your spouse that will require dressing up and finding childcare, write out some thoughts based on this plan of action. If the holiday season means your first trip by plane or car, consider your wants, needs, and hopes in advance (and see last week’s blog about travel tips and organization https://oliviawedelcounseling.com/blog/holiday-travel-with-babies-and-kids).

Here are some ideas to help you begin! As a working mom who specializes in perinatal counseling, I use this little matrix myself every week, along with my trusty paper planner, to have an idea of what I need to do.

Needs: Think of your needs as non-negotiables. For example, if your partner is adamant about you attending the office Christmas party with them, what are your needs around childcare? Do you have a trusted friend or family member upon whom you can rely? And if you’re traveling and staying overnight in a place besides your home, what are your needs and non-negotiables around your sleep space? When we travel to see my family in Virginia, my sister remains so helpful with giving us her master bedroom. It has plenty of space for the three of us. Don’t shy away from asking your family members for help or extra accommodations in order to ensure peaceful travel and keep everyone’s sanity!

Wants: Think of your wants as your ideals but with flexibility when things don’t go as planned. Your wants are negotiable. For example, let’s say you want to start some traditions with your firstborn that can carry through the years into their adulthood. What do those traditions look like? Will it mean setting some healthy boundaries in place with well-meaning family members? I have no doubt just how many times you’ve heard from your parents, or your partner’s parents, about how thrilled they are to experience this Holiday season with your new little one. As excited as they might be though, let this be your reminder, or permission, not to let their feelings over shadow your own. Even though there are family things that can be done as a larger, extended group, there are likely other things you’ve envisioned that will involve only you, your baby, and your spouse/partner. Talk about those wants with your significant other and come up with a plan before sharing with family members. 

Hopes: It might seem futile to hope for anything when adjusting to life with a baby and also navigating the holidays but let me encourage you that hope is necessary! And hope is better than positivity. Keeping a running dialogue either in your mind or on paper about the things you hope for makes it register with your subconscious and your brain will remember it in a more meaningful way. Hope invites possibility when considering both your needs and your wants. And it’s okay to think ‘big picture’ because those possibilities are endless when you operate from a hopeful mindset. I encourage you to keep a running list of things you hope for, whether it’s a want or a need, and focus on it without apology or guilt.

For the mamas who read this and might think it’s impossible to operate from a hopeful mindset, and that your wants and needs do not matter, I see you. For the mamas who read this and have no desire to leave the house this holiday season, I see you too. Pay attention to what your body is telling you. If that big family gathering feels like too much, put a time limit on it, or simply decline to attend. It is okay. I’m giving you permission to not feel like you must do everything. You do not have to do anything. You can do what works for you. 

If you or a family member needs more support this holiday season, please do not hesitate to reach out to the National Maternal Mental Health Hotline via call or text at 1-833-943-5746 (1-833-9-HELP4MOMS). The hotline is staffed 24/7, 365 days per year, including holidays. You will be connected with a counselor trained in perinatal and maternal mental health who can provide some real time support, information, and resources. You are never alone!